COD COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt not explain the joke.
Thou shalt respect the weather.
Thou shalt buy the sticker.
Thou shalt take the photo.
Thou shalt not rush.
Thou shalt leave a place better than you found it.
Thou shalt laugh at thyself first.
Thou shalt trust locals over GPS.
Thou shalt return changed – or not at all.
Thou shalt remember:
it is only merch,
until it isn’t.
OUR QUESTIONABLE HISTORY
The Church of Dildo was founded on a simple, observable truth:
Some people come to Newfoundland to hunt moose.
Others arrive looking for something they can’t quite name.
The second group always ends up laughing when they find it.
Dildo existed before the joke and will exist after it.
The Church does not explain the name.
It honours it.
Explanation implies defence.
The Church has nothing to defend.
The Church of Dildo is not about belief.
Belief requires certainty.
This place runs on weather, timing, and tolerance for ambiguity.
It is not about doctrine.
It is not about salvation.
It is not even particularly organized.
It is about arrival.
CORE DOCTRINE
Nothing Here Is That Serious
Except weather and tides.
—
If You Came This Far, You Belong
Nobody ends up in Dildo by accident.
Detours count.
—
In Cod We Trust
Not money.
Not algorithms.
Not gurus.
Cod fed people
long before branding existed.
—
Laughter Is a Valid Response to Reality
Especially when reality refuses to behave.
—
Merch Is the Tithe
No guilt.
No pressure.
Stickers count.
—
We Always Find What You’re Looking For
Even if you don’t know
what that is yet.
—
Doctrine is descriptive, not prescriptive.
Agreement is optional.
Holy Symbols
No hierarchy.
Only things that endure.
—
The Cod – abundance, survival, betrayal, forgiveness
The Lighthouse – guidance without instruction
The Mug – communion vessel (coffee preferred, rum tolerated)
The Sticker – modern scripture, placed wherever truth is needed
The Viking – arrival without permission
—
The Ferry – patience, inevitability, surrender to weather
The Rock – permanence, indifference, witness
The Wind – authority without a face
The Fog – humility, delayed understanding
The Harbour – refuge earned, not guaranteed
—
The Road – commitment after the last turn
The Boot – traction, readiness, respect for terrain
The Camera – attention made permanent
The Kitchen Table – parliament of real decisions
The Shed – unofficial headquarters
—
The Buoy – survival by visibility
The Rope – trust under tension
The Net – labour, loss, what slips through
The Breakwater – standing still against everything
The Fire – gathering point, story amplifier
—
The Long Pause – thinking out loud
The Rust – time telling the truth
The Thermos – preparation rewarded later
The Open Door – welcome without pursuit
Our Sponsors
Church of Dildo Canon
GENESIS
No one agrees how the name happened.
That’s how it stuck.
Debate is tradition.
Certainty is suspicious.
—
EXODUS
You drove.
You flew.
You rented something questionable.
You crossed water.
You crossed assumptions.
You arrived anyway.
—
LEVITICUS
Don’t be a dick.
Don’t litter.
Don’t rush people who live here.
Don’t explain Newfoundland to Newfoundlanders.
These rules were never written.
They are strictly enforced.
—
PSALMS
Short statements.
Long pauses.
Weather complaints as metaphor.
Truth delivered sideways.
—
THE GOSPEL OF THE VIKING
The Crayzee Viking arrives.
No crown.
No throne.
Boots on rock. Camera in hand.
No promise of salvation.
Only a better view.
—
ACTS
Phones lost and found.
Plans abandoned.
Weather ignored.
Photos taken that shouldn’t
work – but do.
—
REVELATION
You’ll say you’re coming back.
You might.
You won’t leave
as the person who arrived.